Crazy English

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England
or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write
but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,
that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites,
while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why,
when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why,
when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Anon (him again)

Good women

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

கண்ணுக்கு....

A nice Tamil song:

கண்ணுக்கு மை அழகு , கவிதைக்கு பொய்யழகு
கன்னத்தில் குழி அழகு , கார் கூந்த்தல் பெண்ணழகு

இளமைக்கு நடை அழகு , முது மைக்கு நரையழகு
கள்வர்க்கு இரவழகு, காதலற்க்கு நிலவழகு

நிலவுக்கு கரையழகு, பறவைக்கு சிறகழகு
அவ்வைக்கு கூணழகு, அன்னைக்கு சேயழகு

விடிகாலை விண்ணழகு, விடியும்வரை பெண்ணழகு
நெல்லுக்கு நாற்றழகு, தென்னைக்கு கீற்றழகு

ஊருக்கு ஆறழகு, ஊர்வலத்தில் தேரழகு
தமிழுக்கு ழ அழகு, தலைவிக்கு நான் அழகு.

The life and times of Keshab... a feat.

Three score years ago, he was born... in beat.
As a baby, he slept, woke, drank and slept .. not wheat.

Soon a boy, in ennui he remained.. on defeat.
Teenage years, were a stretch of boredom.. so sweet.
A girl, she married Keshab, and was soon yawning.. on the seat.

Their life together, unadulterated humdrum...go cheer.
They produced no children... King Lear.
Lest the unending dreariness be broken.. be near.
And they existed, the two of them...the bier.

For a few dozen years .. oh feet.
Their excrements, the only contribution... ok, heat.
To the world, the earth, to humanity...pretty neat.

Patience.... waiting for the good time

"I am busy right now.... I can see you around noon". The priest seemed so accommodating in the midst of his tight work schedule. So we waited. More than a hour. He was so kind. He called us at a quarter to 12. And handed us a piece of paper with the dates and "good times" for the muhurtham.

We rushed in the pouring rain. It was almost 9 pm. We had to see the priest before the temple closed. And we wasted precious time getting change... in case we had to give some dhakshinai. At 9 we were at the temple. "The chief priest has left. Please come at 4 pm tomorrow". So we left.

At 4 pm, we were rushing at breakneck speed. We cannot afford to be late. "Please wait. He will be here anytime." So we waited. He came, and talked to us. "Please wait for the other priest." Then he got busy. "He will see you after the abhishekam, please wait." How kind of him. The abhishekam was over at last. It was 5.30 pm. He came over immediately. So considerate of him. "Please go to the office and get the dates". So we went to the office. "We don't have dates for 2010 yet. The panchangam is not here yet". So we went home.

Scruples

Creative vacillation. At best it weighed thus, heavily on Gopi's shoulders. It struck him that this was not dissimilar to the Ram Janmabhoomi issue. By now the exasperation was obvious. What theosophical indulgence can justify this gross display of territorial possessivity ? Well, the bell tolls for those among the proletariat who profess fair play.. notwithstanding the peer pressure. Not right, not by any generous stretch of one's imagination. Then it dawned on him. It was simply a cause. Useful for rabble rousing. And if people got hurt, so be it. All the better, actually. Total lack of scruples.

Patience or `I wish I could kill the parking guy'

The man at the counter was someone new,
And he was huge, in a sense, its true …
Was he going to vaccilate, like the old dumb clerk?
Or would he prove to be one who does fast work!?

Well , I had to get past him, so I drove up;
With 2 cars ahead of me, it wasn’t really a hold up.
As expected, they were visitors, with tickets to pay,
Who look for the tickets only when they reached the bay.

Our fat man at the counter, he took his time,
With messages in between to his pals by mime.
They had their own queue of cars, dutifully waiting,
Some thinking ruefully, “I should really be honking”

At last the queue was cleared by fatty,
And I got near the bar, all hot and sweaty.
That was when I made a surprise finding,
That my card, to open the gate, it was missing.

Behind me, were drivers under their breath cursing,
As only a minute ago I had been doing.
And the fat man ? He was just smiling.
As if saying, “Be cool brother, its just the timing”

Thank God we have Hamid Albar & Khir Toyo

What's the world coming to ? The STAR reported today that Bukit Lanjan assemblywoman Elizabeth Wong’s nude photographs were being circulated. And can you beat it, she had the audacity to claim that this was “a gross outrage of her modesty, a gross invasion of her privacy, and in particular the sanctity of her personal life”.

How dare she, an elected representative of the people, betray the trust placed in her by her constituents ? And worse still, many individuals and even the Women’s NGO JAG, spoke up for her !

But all was not lost. Our Home Minister, Syed Hamid Albar got things into perspective when he “advised those who wanted to take nude pictures of themselves in private to ensure that they did not fall into the wrong hands.” He also chastised Wong’s party, the Pakatan Rakyat, for not vetting the background of their MPs before allowing them to stand in the last general election.
Other bright spots were also offered by former Menteri Besar Khir Toyo who called for Wong to resign on moral grounds. He said, “This is a moral issue and Malaysians cannot accept leaders with moral issues and so she must vacate her State Assembly seat.” Well put.

Kuala Kubu Baru MCA assemblyman Wong Koon Mun was also quite clear in his thinking. He said that a wrong was a wrong. “The picture was obviously taken by someone who had access to her bedroom. Who is that person? And if it’s her boyfriend as rumoured, it is morally wrong for a single woman to allow a man access to her room,” he said.

We are thankful that our country still has leaders like Hamid Albar, Khir Toyo and Wong Koon Mun.

Dreams

When I was a teenager, I had a dream – to be an airline pilot. This got shattered when I overheard a schoolmate saying that pilots need to have perfect eyesight, without spectacles. I did not qualify.

Then I decided I would become a doctor. On finishing school, I left for India, where my father had asked a cousin to arrange for my further education. He was a professor in a college. He took me to his college, the Natchimuthu Gounder Mahalingam College in Pollachi. When I saw the dusty college grounds, I bid goodbye to my dream. But somehow, I escaped Pollachi and ended up doing engineering in Chennai, at IIT, a dream institution for many, but not for me. I ended up there by accident.

In my final year at IIT, among a group of friends, we had a dream. We would meet up again in 3 years, and go around the world in a Volkswagen van. But soon after graduation, as we all went our separate ways, we got all busy with our careers, families and the rest. The round-the-world-in-a-VW was forgotten. That was that.

Now I have one more dream. I want to retire to a quiet little place. A small house. A little garden, where I would plant all sorts of vegetables and fruits. and live off the fat o' the land. I would have a car, to travel at my leisure. I would indulge in my other passions as well - studying history and religion, and doing some service - visiting and cheering up orphans and old folks.

Faith and its reward

For a straight week, my days revolved around rituals to appease the departed. Much money and time and effort was spent by the near and dear in these endeavours. The vadyar was well read in the vedic scriptures. He quoted extensively from the "garuda purana", a treatise on dealing with purported events after human death. The rituals are necessary as a staged ascension of the departed soul to its heavenly abode. All varieties of "dhanam's" - donations in cash and kind are offered to - and of course accepted by - the vadyar and other brahmins to smoothen the journey. This generosity is motivated in no small measure by the dire consequences promised to those who fail to do their duty to the departed. "Pithur sabham", is among the worst curses that could befall anyone. Elaborate rituals were conducted at "Mukti Karma Sthala" an establishment existing solely for this purpose. There, hordes of vadyars, their assistants and all manner of underlings thrive, operating in specially built sub-tenements, with all necessary facilities built-in. Turnkey arrangements are possible too. Business is booming, with new customers streaming in constantly. To the layman, such as yours truly, all this appeared like an elaborate scam.

But as I was leaving the place, I noticed on the lobby wall the inscription of these words:
"Faith is to believe in what you cannot yet see.
The reward for faith is to be able to see what you believe."