The Jambuist meets God

Zippo, a bachelor with no family dependents, believes that the Jambu Tree in his garden is God. Every morning, Zippo wakes up, goes into his garden, prostrates before the Jambu Tree and gives thanks for the blessings he will receive and asks that he be given strength and courage to do what is good and right.

After his morning prayers, Zippo leaves his house and heads for his workplace of the last 30 years: an orphanage. Zippo teaches English to young orphans. Lunch is provided at the orphanage and in the evening, before he leaves for home, Zippo picks up two food packs. One for dinner that night and the other for breakfast tomorrow. That’s his wages for the day.

That, in a nutshell, sums up Zippo’s daily life.

Fast forward to judgment day.

Zippo’s turn is up and he is summoned into the judgment chamber.

He enters with great trepidation, expecting to see his familiar Jambu Tree.

No tree.

Nothing, except the sense of a Great Presence.

And then he hears judgment being handed down.

“Expecting a tree were you, you silly bugger! Go on, the door to heaven’s on the left”.

(plagiarised & adapted with the best of intentions)

Day and night

The asteroid was hurtling at breakneck speed, heading straight for our blue planet. It was colossal. Almost as big as Australia. It would be a direct hit, and the world would be blasted into smithereens.

People panicked when it dawned on them that they had hardly a few weeks to live. People dropped whatever they were doing. The range of reaction was amazing. Some just broke down and cried. Some turned to religion. Others decided to enjoy their remaining days with wild abandon. Churches, Mosques, Temples were packed. So were the pubs. But it was every man for himself. People were just people. There were no farmers, factory workers, shopkeepers, barbers, plumbers or policemen. They were just people. But there were looters. Everything belonged to everyone. And no one cared for anyone else. True nature was displayed. No pretences anymore.

The scientists, at first caught by surprise, quickly gathered their wits, and started to think of plans to blast the asteroid and divert it away from a direct collision. But at the last moment, it was confirmed that the asteroid had veered off its path. It would pass by several tens of thousands of miles from earth. There was much cheer. There was hope again. People scrambled to grab whatever they could again. But there was more to come.

The proximity of the pass as it occurred caused massive tidal waves and tsunamis, and triggered natural disasters never before seen. Millions died. The destruction was unbelievable. But everyone thanked their lucky starts that there had been no collision. That would have wiped out the earth, and everything on it.

Soon after the event, the scientists checked the aftereffects, and found something that made people wish there had been a direct hit, and a blissful end. They found that the earths rotation was slowing down. Their calculations predicted that in 5 years time, it would be close to standstill.

The slowdown process was into its third year now. Each day was 521 hours long, and the nights were the same too: the equivalent of 20 days of darkness. Many plants had begun dying. The slowdown was too swift for them to adapt and evolve. Animals were uneasy and nervous. Food was running out. Tides lasted too long, triggering flooding and salt water intrusion making coastal areas uninhabitable. Polar and mountain snow melts were accelerated, further exacerbating the calamities. Ocean currents were altered drastically, playing havoc with weather. People looked sickly and pale. Relentless heat, extreme cold and adverse weather made many of the hitherto fertile parts of the world barren deserts. People started moving to more greener pastures, even as these shrunk. Man’s selfish base nature surfaced. Wars were triggered, accelerating the destruction.

Three years on, as the rotation of the world slowed down to a standstill, there were no more humans left on earth to experience the phenomenon.

Real Estate

It was reported in the papers that a bogus real estate agent has been nabbed. I wonder if only the agent was bogus and the estate real, or both agent and estate were unreal.

The Mechanic

Me : Pagi pagi kereta ada problem la.
Mechanic : Ahhh. Apa ploblem ?
Me : Bila jalan corner ah, ada bunyi “kreek kreek” macam itu.
Mechanic : Bunyi dali mana ? Tayar ah ?
Me : Tatau la. Saya ingat roda kiri depan la. Boleh tengok ah ?
Mechanic : Boleeeh….

Jacks up car, goes under and checks all wheels. Says nothing. Meanwhile I wait nervously

Mechanic : Aiiyyoo.
Me : Pasal apa ?

Silence.

Me : Ada apa ka ?

Mechanic grunts. Long silence as Mechanic fiddles around under car.

Mechanic : Ini ah, tayar dua-dua sudah botak satu side lo. Bealing pun ada problem.
Me : Oh.
Mechanic : Tayar ini ah, you tak jaga ah ?
Me : Sheepish grin.
Mechanic : Ini bahaya tau. Dia kalau laju ah, boleh skid. Manyak bahaya lo.
Me : Sekarang kena buat apa ah ?

Silence. After a long moment, mechanic emerges from under car.

Me : Macam mana ?

Silence.

Me : Ha ? Macam mana ?
Mechanic : Ini dua tayar kena tukar balu la. Bealing kiri pun ada ploblem.
Me : Aiyo. Ini tayar nampak ok la. Kena tukar dua-dua ka ?
Mechanic : Mana ok ? Ini macam you cakap ok ah ? Ini bahaya tau. Lebih baik tukar dua-dua.
Me : Boleh pakai spare tayar tukar satu saja la ?

Mechanic looks at me in pity.

Me : Boleh ka ? Pakai spare tayar satu. Lagi satu tukar baru.
Mechanic : Ini macam punya balang ah, jangan main-main. Bahaya tau.

Ini spare tayar ah, dia sudah lama. Getah sudah kelas. Saya rekomen ah,

dua-dua tukar.
Me : Macam itu ka. Satu tayar berapa ah ?
Mechanic : Ini Goodyear ah, sekarang dia sudah naik harga lo. Tapi ah, saya bagi you special,

satu tayar 180 linngit saja.
Me : Aiyo, 180 ka ? mana ada macam itu harga ? Dulu saya ada tukar 150 saja ?
Mechanic : Bila you tukar ? Saya tengok ini tayar ah, saja ingat ini tayar belum tukar dari beli

keleta lo. 180 sudah patut la.
Me : Ok la. 160 la. Tukar dua-dua.
Mechanic : Taboleh la. Mana boleh macam itu harga ? 180 sudah patut la. Saya pun untung

5 linngit saja.
Me : Ok la. Ok la. Buat la.
Mechanic : So dua tayar ah, 360 linngit. Ini valve kena tukar lagi, satu 10 linngit.
Me : Ya ka. Ok la.
Mechanic : Lagi balancing satu roda 20 linngit ok ?
Me : Itu bukan masuk free ah ?
Mechanic : Mana ada free ? Kena bayar lo.
Me : Ok, Ok. Buat la.
Mechanic : Kalau betul-betul ah, tukar tayar ah, mesti buat alignment tau.
Me : Ta apa la. Saya lain kali buat.
Mechanic : Sekalang ah, you tukar tayar, ta buat alignment ah, nanti bunyi masih ada tau.

Lagi tayar makan satu side lagi. Lebih baik buat alighment satu kali la.
Me : Berapa ah ?
Mechanic : 50 linngit saja.
Me : Aiyo mahal la.
Mechanic : Mana ada mahal ? Ini mana-mana pun sama saja.
Me : Ok ok, buat la.

Mechanic signals to his men. They start removing & changing the tires.

Mechanic : Ini bealing macam mana ? Kalau ta buat ah, nanti dia pecah nanti susah lo.
Me : You cakap problem tayar, sekarang dah tukar tayar you cakap bearing pula.
Mechanic : Ini terpulang pada you. Nanti ah, kalau ada bunyi krek krek jangan komplen lagi.

Saya sudah cakap ah, tayar dengan bealing. Tamau tukar bealing mesti ada

ploblem punya.
Me : OK, bearing kena buat apa ?
Mechanic : Ini bealing kiri ah, dia sudah teruk sangat la. Kena tukar balu.
Me : Kalau tukar berapa ?
Mechanic : Nanti saya check.

(Phones & speaks in Chinese. I wait in fear)

Mechanic : Ini original punya Toyota punya 850 la. Lagi upah 50 linggit.
Me : Ok, la. Buat sekali.
Mechanic : Ok, tuan. Tuan luluk dalam ah, kita buat semua sekalang.